Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How does one acquire holy water?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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