I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
