Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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