One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Drake has all the answers
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
