He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
