Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
