I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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