I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
