I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
