I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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