Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
