She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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