You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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