I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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