areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
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I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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