You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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