you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
