I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
