this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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