i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
