Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
