someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
