We need to rekindle our bromance
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
