Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
