Your face is a jimmy john
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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