im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
