Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
