eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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