Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
