my phone needs a breathalizer
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything