I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
