it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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