Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
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Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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