my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
