A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
