as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
