Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
