It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
