Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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