my vag is so smooth its legendary
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
