I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
