Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
where am i from again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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