im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
