my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
