My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
