We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
