Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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