Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
