This is not my ceiling
i think my tv is drunk
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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