he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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