If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
