These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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