He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
