I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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