I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
