What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Randomize
