wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
