i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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